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fixing shit

fan email | Vol#1

I've recently received some electronic mail regarding one of my newer comics. The mailer states that they have come across the paramount child: "Broccoli".

Although I very much wanted to hit the google autogen "Sounds yummy!", I must concede that eating children is bad; even if they are named after vegetables. Do not eat children. If you see a child please resist the caveman instincts to eat it. If you eat children you will go to jail.

I suggest you find a nearby receptical to safely store Broccoli until they are discovered.

stuck at JFK airport the goosebumps book

right my flight got delayed for rougly 7 goddamn hours so I'm trapped in kennedys crazy airport until I can pass his curse onto someone else like I'm a sickly patient with an infectious case of misfortune, a pawn shop owner that deals in happenstance, a poor fuck who lost all his friends since he got the cheese touch. Whatever metaphor I spiritually connect with doesn't matter until Dr. J.Fitzgerald.K--PHD in wasting my time--takes pity on this jet-lagged teenager. Whatever man. I've got some pressing topics that the public needs to know MY opinion on.
First stop.
why are babies heads so fucking strong.
people will keep making the baby pottery wheel joke until the end of the fucking universe but until they stop thinking about clay baby spinnage they will never realize the truth.
no shit I SAW a little 4 year old bust his older brothers lip open just by standing up too fast. Little man didn't even realize what he did. Kid gave zero fucks. Wasn't even looking either, guy used the back of his head. Holy shit man.
We need to do something about this because these incidents are not isolated. My little cousin gave his mom stitches while swimming last week cause he bumped his head into hers. Little bros head was fine but goddamn. The way I heard the event described made it sound like that scene in Carrie but on the beach with sharks and shit.

I swear they're putting fucking vibranium in these kids heads.

also while I'm stuck in New York take a look at this

I'm sorry but the fact the only 2 networks I can connect to are named "_Free JFK WiFi" and fucking "Boingo Hotspot" makes me think I'm dreaming. Is the guy from inception about to do whatever the hell he did in that movie to me? Am I the guy from inception? Am I squandering my mission for whatever shitty macguffin could be found in a New York airport by writing this? Does anybody actually know what happened in inception?
yeah motherfucker the real questions are being asked today. Your reality is about to get triple-decker hook-line-sinker poopy-stinker done-with-your-meal CHECKED.
whatever bitches I'm closing this chapter of goosebumps. Fuck the fans. Peace
-R.L. Stine

freestyle blogshitting #1

okay bear with me this is gonna be epic.
ok idk this is probably shit cause I don't know what to talk about rn. I feel kinda like a stand-up comedian who just got clocked square in the head with a disgruntled audience members size 12 boot after trying to make a chicken crossed the road joke. "get better material assdick!" dude unless you want me to read the safety instructions for the fucking fire extinguisher that was just launched skullways toward me than cool the fuck out for a bit. I hope the resonating gong it made as it clattered into my cranium brought about momentarily tranquility for your joke hungry ass.
this didn't actually happen btw (jus makin sure u knew booboo) I'm just stalling and then forgetting to actually think about important shit going on.
take 2 lets go
why'd the chicken cross the road??? *CRAOSHHHH* *PSHHH* *FWOOOOOO* boom look that joke just went up in onomatopoeia flames because IT FUCKING SUCKED!!!
I fucking pasted that from google nobody actually knows how to spell "onomatopoeia" that's in the like top 5 shittiest unspellable words right between "worchesterishire" and "restaraunt". Don't worry this isn't gonna turn into the classic internet pitchfork march against the fucking english language I personally find it a little too useful when I'm trying to communicate. Fuck this language does kinda suck tho *BWEE BWOO CONTRADICTION DETECTED THIS GUYS TOO FUNNY!* this asterisk shit is getting old also semicolons are the absolute worst. Isn't their whole purpose to be a shitty fusion between a comma and a period? If were doing junkass power rangers with punctuation at least let-me;;do...this!!horseshit!!!
Isn't that enjoyable to look at? Dawwww it's like a little scrapbook of sentence interjecters in a fun vulgar bundle!
this is genuine article horses shit. I've got bigger tuna to fuck than proclaiming "I actually prefer the cold, yo!" while standing in a blazing fire of west-germanic flammable piss from the 7th century AD. (still talking about the English language) ((also dude change that line about tuna that shit does not work))

yeaaaaaaaaaaa mother fuckers signing this shit OFF

Just made a cup of tea

oh yes mama 12oz mug of peppermint tea right gob smack in front of me cuz I absolutely totaled a plate of indian food also fuck santa his ass was done as soon as he stepped in the palace of this scruff loser.

lets talk honey
I don't know who thought making it that fucking sticky was a good idea because I could not get that sweet sauce 1 micromule out the goddamn bottle. If I was in the market for a cup of tea with 'air that might have been inside a bottle of honey before' squeezed onto my drink I would be the happiest camper in the history of motherfuckers who forgot about the cliff bar in their pockets. Unfortunately no bears are mauling me to death, my tea has no honey, and I'm still a pissed off prick on YOUR internet. You know they really should have thougt through a contingency plan for if the stickiest substance known to man rivaled only by the marmalade paddington shoves into his disgusting bear mouth got stuck to the other side of the bottle.
Guess what smartasses? Douchebags at the mall have known about this technology for literal eons since their upbringing at truck-nuts daycare followed by their 12 grades of manipulating women. shit's called 2 caps.
I'm being serious here just add another fucking cap to the other side of the honey bottle so I don't have to shake my arm around my kitchen like a hopped up tube man with a bug in my sweater.

pacing? train of thought? I hear you think in your head because only dumbasses talk to their computer. If my ass wanted to keep pace I would hook the same shock collar used on my neighbors dobermann up to the base of my neck until the consistently timed muscle spasms it sends would have some rhythmic qualities to them. That's not even talking about the T.M. CowHitter that rides the circular tracks in my head with a red stained front (it's red because it hits farm animals). Shit. no stops no stations. we go cabin to cabin picking the same ass jokes over and over to shovel into that bigass pit of fire and coal all trains have that bullshits them into going forwards

dude I don't even fucking care I put the teabag in my muth and slurp that shit like I'm henry hoover with a bug up my ass

Santa's Adventure Calendar 2022 (DEFUNCT)

GOD fucking DAMN
santa got me up and shitted out of this holidy my ass forgot about his adventure calender until today so we are 13 days late!
lets run thru this shit and analyze kris kringles many chocolate sonnets

"'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;"

hold on lemme google som shit.....
Wait a second Santa.... you didn't write this yourself! Mothefucker this poem is from like 1820. No seriously that shit predates the civil war by like 12 presidents. Did you not have anything else to offer your guests? "Going down to the wine cellar of rhymes to get a Christmas classic. Would you like 'twas the night before Christmas' or '$6 Michael Buble cd from Target'?" You can guarantee that cheap ass isn't breaking out the good gramophone for this shit. He mocks us with his public domain holiday classics that he keeps firmly planted in his festivity holster, getting ready to fast draw a fat slice of "fuck you" every December. Hey St Nicholas, do me a favor, when you nail me between the eyes with a .45 jinglebell, make sure to sweep the dirt by my slumped corpse to ensure my souls safe travel to a shitty Christmas card with angels fucking up mad bugle. You know you really are an unbelievable motherfucker

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;"

dude I am not a dumbass I see what you are doing

"The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar plums danc'd in their heads,"

ok all the children are sad because of you santa. They are bawling their eyes out because they have to hear this "not a creature was stirring" bullshit. Santa you miserable miserable bitch

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